I once sent a tweet that said “unreciprocated love has the ability to leave a wound on the heart so deep that nothing but hate flows from it. It can bleed forever.”
Every time I decide to post a topic I just don’t know what to say. I just don’t have that dramatic inspiration anymore and I, I, I just don’t know how to put these new thoughts into words. I don’t have that craving for amorous pain. If that makes sense. My desires have not changed but its the pain of longing that inspired me to write that’s missing. How do I express the still sad but now numb feelings? I’ve been so tied to growing a relationship with Christ and trying to redeem myself for my past mistakes that I forgot to be me. I’m on this hunt for things that I desire. The desire for the things that I’ve never had. This mission has become a frenzy and obsession. These are not the words of a Christ minded person but I’m talking to someone so I’ll carry on.
Instead of enjoying the peace I have been blessed with I find myself drifting towards chaos. I’m no stranger to chaos, it has been the driving force of my whole life. God gave me peace and I chose to run from it. Although being alone is peaceful, loneliness is consuming. The voracious desire that my imagination uses for daily inspiration is the same emotion that lead me to the realization that this will never be my reality. Whaap whaap. I slap myself into reality so no one else has to do it. I always hated that. Honk honk. I clown myself so that no one else has a chance. Giggle giggle. I embarrass myself and no one has to tell me because I already told myself. I want to run away sometimes hahahaha to where? With who? Sit yo self down and deal like every other adult you child! I’m a stern and loving parent to myself sometimes.
I lost it again. The moment came and passed like a gust of wind. Bye for now.
On a lonely night I was extra sad. I thought to myself, “why had so many people left my life? How could they leave with no warning and never come back to see how I was doing? I thought for a split second something must be wrong with me! I’m cursed, I’m broken. What the hell do I do to make them all seem to leave? Then a thought came to me as small as a mustard seed…..what if they stayed? My eyes got big and my heart started to flutter at the thought. Then my mind went into a dream like state where they all stayed.
I wondered would my heart still long for a mate! Would I still be jaded and think there wasn’t a kind soul? Would I forget the evil that had been done to me? Would my heart be filled. What would I be if they stayed?
In my dream I had everyone I could ever want here. A mother , father and even the mates that deceived me. Friends that were untrue were here with me too. In this dream no one left they all stayed. No pain, no disappointment no longing in my heart. No crying for what would never be, what never was and what was over. They all stayed. They stayed they cheered me on I could not be defeated because all the ones I ever wanted in my life were here! This will not be a tale with a moral of i’m better off alone. The sad fact was I could only think to be content in a world where they stayed.
Happy New Year Loves. I pray dearly that everyone had a beautiful and blessed holiday. My desire is that we all take the time in the beginning of 2017 to reflect on the things we can and should change. Take the failures (if any) and disappointments of 2016 and turn them into your glory. Contrary to the beliefs of some the only advantage that 2017 has over 2016 is that it is a fresh start. We have 12 months to get it right. We have 12 months of glory ahead of us and this is going to be the beginning of the best times of our lives. Success has always been inside of us we just have to believe and manifest it. I must clear my conscience and admit that in 2016 I lost myself a little and in the process I lost my faith. I started the year with a hurt conscious and hardened heart and that is exactly the heart I continued to follow the remaining year. I was blessed to sell the light toward the very last days of 2016 and with that light a sense of peace has washed over me. I know this peace will be tested and so will my faith but my armor is strong as it has always been and I will use my knife of faith to cut through the confusion of the enemy. I cannot be swayed by non-believers, liars or those who chose to deceive. I will not be defeated by the hands of the enemy. Be strong my friends as we all have the power to carry out the plans of good or of evil. Choose love over hate, choose life over death and choose to be the hand of blessings. I love you and I am routing for us all.
As I watch those close to me begin new journeys, jobs, relationships, children I sometimes day dream that one day that will be me. However when I dug deep into this thought I realized why this isn’t an option for me. Why? I simply have no more love to give. I gave it away to friendships, meaningless relationships, dreams that failed, youth that is fading and all I have left to offer the world is anger, sadness, defeat and wisdom. I’m not jaded and although it’s lonely it’s a loneliness I’ve chosen due to my reality.
It must hard to be you. It must be hard to be beautiful. To walk into a room and be studied by adoring eyes that also want to know what it’s like to live behind those captivating eyes. It must be hard to be loved. To be accepted and adored by everyone, no matter what you say or do there is always someone rooting for you. It must be hard to be smart. To make all the right moves. To ace every test put before you. I’d bet you probably hate always getting your way. Despise the world at your feet. Daddy’s little angel and even mommy can’t compete. It must be hard to be perfection. It must be hard to be everything. It must be hard to be YOU!
As a parent, caregiver and teacher I have grown children of all ages and stages and I’ve noticed that this generation feels a bit more jaded. They have a look in their eye that comes from a life of hardship even if they haven’t had much. Ph.D.’s may call this disassociation. A coping method people use to get through trauma. Another reason is that few people know that we are not born knowing how to emulate emotions. These skills are taught, so if you are taught to bottle your emotions than its hard to understand highly emotional people and vice a versa. Another reason is because this is a society of lost innocence. Yeah yeah they say this every generation but this one is the ONE. Computers on our hip at 6 years old. We are living our life through a lenses and seeing too much to early. These kids are numb. Numb and uncaring. Selfish and numb.
Numb I tell you. The blank stare tells it all.
Love starts as a dream. With your head in the clouds and beauty in your heart. It feels like the universe is speaking to you. Everything is keeping you here and you see beauty in everything. It’s my belief that this type of love only happens once in a lifetime.
When love is over either through separation, drifting apart or death. That true connection is almost impossible to get back. I’ve heard you can, I’d never know I lost mine as a child and I’ve haven’t been able to love since. I’ve been driving on a dark road with no passenger or destination.